Billionaire Adopts Orphan; Disappointed She Can't Sing or Dance by Broadway Beat

by Nat Hrvatin. @NatHrvatin. NEW YORK, NY - Billionaire Herman Harris recently adopted a ten-year-old child from the New York Orphanage...

Mouth Currently Eating Hearty Beef Chili Temporarily Closes, Announces Plan to Reopen for Next Bite by Broadway Beat

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. NEW YORK, NY - Local man Jeremy Curl’s mouth - currently taking in copious amounts of smoky, hearty beef...

Theatre Kid Misunderstands Dry January, Only Reads Tom Stoppard by Broadway Beat

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. HAVERHILL, MA. - Local theatre fan Mark Lopshin has reportedly misunderstood the meaning behind “dry...

Alien Civilization Discovers Actor’s Self-Tape Bloopers; Announces Intent to Exterminate Humanity by Broadway Beat

by Conrad Sager. @conradsager. EARTH - An alien civilization from a far-off galaxy recently concluded a vast study assessing the merits...

"Phantom" Team Debates Casting Woman as Phantom But Realize Only Straight Man Would Pull That Shit by Broadway Beat

by Caitlin Berg. @caitlinhberg (Twitter), @caitlinberg (Instagram). NEW YORK, NY – Leading Phantom Of The Opera producers reportedly...

Local Woman Watching “The Gilded Age” During the Day Disappointed Some Leads Aren’t In It by Broadway Beat

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. NEW YORK, NY - Local theatre fan and avid HBO Max subscriber Lynn Pollut expressed her disappointment this...

REPORT: Dancer Sitting with Legs in Weird Position by Broadway Beat

by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz. SAN FRANCISCO - Theatre dancer Tessa Brogue has been seen sitting in a normal social setting with...

Mr. Cellophane Sued for Trademark Infringement After Refusing to Go By “Mr. Transparent Wrapping” by Broadway Beat

by Lisa Cowan. @lisallyblonde. CHICAGO - Cook County resident Amos Hart, known locally as “Mr. Cellophane”, is facing a trademark...

Sad! This Dancer Didn’t Post About Her Class at BDC and Now She’s Been Exiled by Broadway Beat

by Emily Jones. @ejonesy__. NEW YORK, NY – Aspiring Broadway theatre actor Annie Shepherd has been exiled from the theatrical community...

Gamechanger: Local Woman Discovers Ticket Not Required to Take Instagram Photo in Front of Theater by Broadway Beat

by Rich Taylor. @RTinDC. SECAUCUS, NJ - After enduring years of cyber-generated FOMO, local woman Shannon Higgins had an epiphany,...

Aw! Actor Finally Makes Parents Proud by Playing a Doctor by Broadway Beat

by Catherine Weingarten. @sarahkaneissexy. NEW YORK, NY - In our feel-good story of the week, local actor Hudson Johansburg finally made...

Steven Spielberg Convinced Rival Directors Created Omicron to Ruin "West Side Story" Ticket Sales by Broadway Beat

by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene (Twitter). LOS ANGELES – Following his West Side Story adaptation's disappointing box office...

Finally: “Oh, Hello!” Impressions Deemed an Official Language by International Phonetic Association by Broadway Beat

by Grant Cleaveland. @cleaveland_g. NEW YORK, NY - Jean Gruberman, President of the International Phonetic Association, announced Friday...

Historians Discover Note From Actor to Shakespeare Asking Him to Please Just Write Normal by Broadway Beat

by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz. STRATFORD-UPON-AVON, Eng - Historians studying Shakespearean theater recently uncovered evidence...

The Broadway Beat's Official Holiday Gift Guide by Broadway Beat

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht. The holidays, whether we want them to be or not, are upon us, and with them comes that exasperating...

We Began Reflecting on the Year in Theatre But Had a Panic Attack So We’re Outside Getting Some Air by Broadway Beat

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. Ah, another year of powerful performances, eye-popping set pieces, and engrossing stories taking over stages...

Local Woman Rebrands Toxic Relationship as “Shakespearean Comedy of Errors” by Broadway Beat

by Liz Wiest. @lizkhawiesta. JERSEY CITY, NJ - Freelance social media manager Charlotte Guerrero announced today that she has decided to...

Why I Stopped Saying “Happy Holidays” and Started Saying “And That’s What You Missed on Glee” by Broadway Beat

by Vanessa Ullman. December can only bring one of two things: Oscar bait movies to write down in your Notes app and ignore until March,...

Study Finds 90% of Americans Don’t Notice When Carolers Harmonize, So Calm Down, Debra by Broadway Beat

by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen. GREENWICH, CT. - A new study conducted by the Fünkly-Fresh Musicology Institute of Connecticut has sent...

Friend’s One-Man Show Canceled Due to Positive Case of It Sucking by Broadway Beat

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. NEW YORK, NY - Will this pandemic ever end? Local actor and your friend Robert Jelio’s run of his one-man...

REPORT: That One Girl You Got Your BFA With Still Calls Her Non-Industry Boyfriend a Muggle by Broadway Beat

by Elanna White. @Ewelannawhite. NEW YORK, NY- Local BFA graduate Ann Barrett clutched her Culture cold brew and cookie this morning,...

"Annie Live!" Updates Political Lyrics to Support Beliefs of Whoever Owns Most NBC Stock by Broadway Beat

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht. NEW YORK, NY – The sun’ll come out tonight! NBC’s newest live-broadcast musical – joining the ranks of...

Local Middle School’s New Theatre Budget Technically Makes It World’s 56th Largest Military by Broadway Beat

by Grant Cleaveland. @cleaveland_g. UTICA, NY - Auburn Middle School’s theatre director Sandra Vaughn announced an impressive new budget...

Dance Captain Fails to Convince Anyone They Took the Job Reluctantly by Broadway Beat

by Justin Avery Smith. @JustAVerySmith. BOSTON - Taylor Dorado, star of The Bartoli Theater’s production of Chicago as Billy Flynn, put...

Musical Theatre Edger Keeps Hitting New Leading Tone but Never Modulates for Final Chorus by Broadway Beat

by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz. WESTCHESTER, NY - While endlessly repeating the chorus of a song this week, singer Annabelle Linder...

Telecharge Announces Plan to Make Website Even Worse by Broadway Beat

by Caitlin Berg. @caitlinberg (Instagram), @caitlinhberg (Twitter). NEW YORK, NY - Telecharge announced today, shortly after raising...

BFA Student Told to “Use That” After Apartment Catches Fire, Dog Runs Away, Bus Hits Shit Out of Her by Broadway Beat

by Syd Deone Cooper. @syd.deone. NEW YORK, NY. - The show must go on! Under the guidance of her professors, BFA Sophomore, Lucy Fabray,...

Uh-Oh: That Old, Boring Paternal Character Just Walked Onstage Alone in a Spotlight by Broadway Beat

by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz. NEW YORK, NY - As the generic musical reached its most banal expanse of scenes, the red flag of all...

BREAKING: Local Women Invent Acting by Broadway Beat

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. EARTH - Reports are surfacing this morning that two local women - Rachel Zegler and Ariana Debose, stars of...

Modern "Caroline, or Change" Sees Caroline Keeping All of Noah's Bitcoin by Broadway Beat

by Tricia Davenport. NEW YORK, NY - Producers of Broadway’s revival of Caroline, or Change are modernizing the Tony Kushner musical, with...

Immersive Production of Friend Constantly Noting How They Attended “Spring Awakening” Reunion Opens by Broadway Beat